Thursday, March 6, 2008

Its OK to say these things... Right?

How do you put a baby to sleep?
You feed it. (Or drown it)

Speaking of sleep, I’ve decided that I finally need to get a bed. Its kind of ironic because I’ve also finally decided that I should mop the floor of my room. I’ve been sleeping on it for seven months without mopping, and now I might elevate my position only to clean the floor. Actually, I don't want to clean my room right now so I'm sleeping on the couch in the living room. I don’t know if that’s ironic or not. I don’t know what that word means anymore. I haven’t written anything in a while.



For all of you curious readers out there, Alan Wong (the real one, not the metaphor) appears to be doing well at the moment. Recently called back for a second audition. For Pipen, the musical (no, it’s not about Scottie, but it never hurts to hope). So the legend continues. Feel free to set him up with anyone you know.

Oh yes, they will most definitely come.

Shut Up, Ray.

I don’t want to say anything about Hilliary Clinton.



Maybe if this piece was more of a narrative, it would be a little better. Maybe if everything was more of a narrative, it would be a little better. You could have a reasonable faith that it was going somewhere, the transitions were evident, and the writing was clear and concise. Nope, instead its random, like a painting by monkeys who flung their scat at a piece of canvass.

Maybe that’s too dramatic. Something should be.

And on that note.


Godspeed, you soldiers of opportunity.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

The Gray Race


This space has been vacant for far too long. Too much time with Eastern European porn-satire as the leading post. Too much time away from what makes The Alan Wong great: idle navel-gazing, precocious silliness, and irresponsible shrugging/laconic writing.

The authors of this site have been watching the political scene with moderate-extreme interest. I believe that egully probably has more intelligent insight, more inside information, and more skill in presenting political opinions... but whatever, I'm writing and he isn't.

Like God on the first day of creation, here goes something out of nothing:

Who are you supporting for the Democratic nomination?

B-Rock. I am afflicted with Obamamania and, like the people eating tainted cheesesteak hotpockets, I don't know how I caught what I've got. I suspect it's because he's male. Or because he's black. Or because he's written two books, one of which was excellent. Maybe it's because he bridges the gap between Islam and Christianity. Or because he bridges the gap between black and white. Republican and Democrat. Paper and plastic. Biggie and Tupac. Simon and Paula.

Wait a second. Are you saying you support Obama without knowing his stance on major issues?

Goddamn right. I suspect that presidents very rarely make much of a difference on their own. Bush gets too much credit for destroying checks and balances, eroding legislative and judicial power to bolster executive control. If Bush is more retarded than the bastard child of Forrest Gump and Radio with fetal alchohol syndrome, he can't possibly be the one who singlehandedly kicked the Founding Fathers in their ghostly balls. I'm under the impression that Congress facilitated and enabled his most appalling moves.



The president doesn't matter all that much. Obama looks and sounds good. He won't die in office like a certain geriatric Republican nominee barring a Princip/Booth-type disaster which I suspect a lot of Obama supporters fear like Y2K (a vague uneasiness and desperate hope that the world doesn't crash down around us; bottled water stockpiles are unnecessary this go-around.)

So you only want Obama to become president because he looks and sounds good? Isn't that shallow?

If he had polio, Obama could be the next FDR. Uniting parties, delegating executive responsibility, rallying a nation during war and economic strife, and making costly social programs to overcompensate for laissez-faire economic policies. It's entirely possible that I'm being shallow. So what? Tell me you've got a better reason.



I'm the one asking the questions, thank you very much. I do have a better reason: widespread health insurance coverage without creating a monolithic government-controlled agency that eliminates patient choice and doctor's rights. And he smoked weed.

Those are both good reasons. But that's not really why I'd vote for him. It's what I might tell my friends and family, but mostly I want it to happen to be a part of history. And that's pretty much it. I don't follow politics closely enough to really care. I didn't vote in 2004 (please, blame me for the last four years of war, poverty, and discord.) I just want Obama. I want to see the first black president. I want to see the world's reaction. I want to hear accusations of racism thrown at conservatives who criticize him, I want to listen to his state of the union address, I want to see his name in my college magazine's Where Are They Now? section, I want to see him put on weight, and I want Michelle to be the First Lady.

In state politics, how do you feel about Arnold taking 5 billion dollars away from education?

I'm for it. These kids are coddled entirely TOO much. After teaching in LA and Oakland, one thing I can say for sure is that urban schools are consistently churning out spoiled children who go on to spurn Are You Smarter Than a Fifth-Grader, forcing Foxworthy to ask the underprivileged suburban children what the capital of South Dakota is. I think teaching would be way easier if I had forty or fifty kids in my classroom, sharing one textbook among three students, without frivolous music or art classes. Let's focus a little more on the Reading, 'Riting, and 'Rithmetic. And we can test the shit out of those skills and give whatever money is left-over to the highest-performing schools.

Fuck the poor.



Right.


Thursday, July 19, 2007

Prosin means Please in Czech

Sometimes you just gotta lure an unsuspecting mathematics grad student into your van, offer her anywhere from two to five hundred bucks, and see where things go from there.

MATHBUS not to be confused with....


Seriously folks, this is totally safe for work. Click the link, watch the video, you will not be disappointed. (More than I can say about those B an G Brothers, or whatever they call themselves.)


This is an internet pornography spoof. Approximately 1/3 of our readership may think this is the funniest thing ever in the history of the internet. Everyone else will just think to themselves:

Why didn't they just go to

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Big Tonsils

This is what The Alan Wong is all about. The triumph of youth and charisma. The intersection of talent and luck. And typing your own blog.

You'll notice that our picture to the right is of the unparalled GO-OG. Enjoy it and be well.

Perhaps one day, Mr. OG will deign to read this little number.

(Shout out to the NBA Fanhouse and Miss Gossip for posting this interview.)

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Hey hey you you

Have you ever been lonely and lost, adrift in a sea of hopelessness and despair? Do you gauge architecture by its potential for accelerating you to terminal velocity? Is every moment punctuated by ever-deeper meaninglessness like painful rimshots that echo in the depths of your suffering?



Maybe you should watch Bear Grylls and his ursine dental jewelry. You don’t know misery until you’ve squeezed the juice from elephant dung into your face. You haven’t plumbed the profundity of sorrow until you’ve pissed on your shirt and wrapped it around your face.



Let him be a lesson to us all.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Five to Four

Ladies and Gent's,
Your Heroes of the Day... The Supreme Court!!!


(Yaaayyy!! So dapper, always dressed to impress... at a funeral.)
Oh, these fuckers... I wish we could replace them all with the Red Stripe Man, he's never issued an opinion that is disagreeable. Chances are, he'd find a solution to world peace and an end to racism.
"Boo reversing Brown v. Board of Ed...
"

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Love is...

Sure, it's an embedded youtube video. But it's so much more than that. It's about love, honor, commitment, and anal sex.

After all, love is all about experiencing and understanding all that you can about your partner. What could be more natural than knowing him or her physically? The physical is deeply tied to the spiritual. The physical act is consecrated by the deeper undercurrents of trust and responsibility. And the spiritual act is enhanced by the physiological response, the interplay of animal emotion and stone-cold Rousseau reason.



True love is all about tempering passion with reason. Why not experience both at once? Live in the ever-collapsing space between the two extremes. That is where love lives. Love is neither cold nor mechanistic. Nor is it mere desire and lust.



Love is the bit between your naughty bits and your brain. Kind of like a sandwich. It's the meat between eros and thanatos, physical and spiritual, you and your partner.

(Just because this sounds like a monologue to convince your homecoming date to take her top off and/or make out in the backseat of your '92 Protege does not make it invalid. It just cheapens it a little.)